If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
