If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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