Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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