some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
