A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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