She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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