the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
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I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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