Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
