I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
