Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
