the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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