im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
