is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The adults are the big ones right?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
