Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
