my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Michael Bay diarrhea
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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