she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The air was thick with penises
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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