Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
