Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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