So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
