when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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