for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
