she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
