My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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