I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
