it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
