i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
