Screwed.edu
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
