And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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