I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
