He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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