tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
