You're my little dorito
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
