shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
