So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
