I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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