u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
