Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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