LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
