I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
