So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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