apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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