I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
