Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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