your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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