I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
