I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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