Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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