I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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