Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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