I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
