I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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