so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
