she woke up with a sticky ear
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
